Everything I am and not.

Fucking fuck fuck.
Why do I do this? Get myself in difficult situations.
It wouldn’t have been hard to tell him “oh, I’m seeing someone”
I can try convincing myself all I like that it’s platonic, but shit, let’s face it. I know he doesn’t intend it to be, and whatever I want I bury for validation. Am I just THAT fucked up? I can rest assured that there will be no hanky panky. I’m on my fucking period. Oh god, I’m a monster. What am I doing? I can’t honestly be considering this. Eddy and I made that decision not DAYS ago, and now I’m going out to dinner with an old fuck buddy. I know we were close, but… After what happened last time, and considering he’s been out rural for weeks on end, is this going to work? Can I get out of this alive?
I won’t cancel. I can’t run from this. It’s a nice gesture of him, and I cancelled last time he offered to make dinner for me. This is just platonic. Whatever preconceptions he has, I will dash if they arise.
Or, fuck it. I might just be someone else for a night. Get out of this house, out of this rut. Put on a new skin. Be a more confident, sexy Shannyn, not inhibited by my fear or the constraints it “felt right” to place on myself. Why do I set boundaries, if just to test them? Do I cage myself to just rail against it? What is it with me and monogamy not clicking?
I’m so far away from myself. I feel so disassociated. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I wanna pretend for one night. Then, I’ll go back to doing the dishes, and watching him sleep and go on YouTube. I’ll make food for him, I’ll hold her hand, I’ll cry at night and I’ll swim alone inside myself.
Maybe I need one last hurrah.
I really should stop trying to justify it to myself. But, ya’know, we’ll see.
Could be good-natured.

I should have a shower.

<3