Can I be fucked changing my timezone? can I? really?
We shall see.
Evidently. >_>
Monday, June 15, 2009
The cake was a lie.
Cake didn’t end up happening. You don’t need to comment on that, smart arse.
Something crazy was happening last night. Just PMing Brendan, and sometimes he has these moments where he’s sweet, and very human, and while it’s alarming, it’s exciting too. I kinda feel myself trill a little, that bird in my chest, higher, higher. I don’t know if it was a one off. Don’t care if I was, but it would be nice to see more of him like this. Vulnerable. Less aloof. Cute. I mean, it’s not as though I expect anything to come of it, but it’s nice. You harbour a crush on someone with a heart of stone for a few years, a change of character is lovely but reason for suspicion. Whatever! It’s all good.
Uh, uh what else?
Mum’s eating more. It’s fantastic. Like, in no small way. She’s eating food, and she’s on chemo. We can start working through this now. Maybe it’ll all be over like a bad dream soon enough.
But sometimes I sit and think, oh my god she’s dying and if they hadn’t have found it in time, she could have died but that’s silly because we’re all dying. Every moment we live we’re closer to death. Aging is dying. Our cells are dying. Except for children. I don’t think their bodies are quite breaking just yet.
She still could die, though. It can take a turn for the worst. I get scared. I don’t want to treat her like it’s her last days, but all I have in my chest is this weighted fear and regret for all trespasses against her. She’s my mother. I am essentially made from her. Her nutrients, her oxygen, her blood, all kept me alive, and brought me from a parasitic bundle of cells into sentience.
I also wonder if it’s hereditary. She was adopted. We don’t know where her mother is, if she is alive, or if she died. What if I’m likely to develop it too? Will I live to get their cancer?
Depressing and morbid. FFS.
I still need to make my aida cloth dolls. I think I may make one for the show, but it’s not that impressive. Maybe I should just do a painting, or make a cake. Do they have a portrait category? I hope so. That’d be cool. Knowing me and this city, somehow I don’t stand a chance, but let me dream.
Eun Ju invited me to a show, which is pretty dandy. The Butterfly Effect and Dead Letter Circus, playing at The Ski Club. We don’t hang out enough. She also offered to model for a pin up. God I could take advantage of that, but she’s doing the heterosexual monogamy thing, so I’ll leave it to her. I’m wondering what medium, or if I should just take photos and use them as reference material. I can’t paint with her there. Maybe take a few photos and do a sketch up. I need to get a decent canvas.
Listening to Blue Oyster Cult. Oh, be still my heart. <3
I need to go wake up Eddy soon. I feel like baking the shit out of that mother fucking cake.
Fo’ rizzle…?
I’ll be quiet now.
<3
Something crazy was happening last night. Just PMing Brendan, and sometimes he has these moments where he’s sweet, and very human, and while it’s alarming, it’s exciting too. I kinda feel myself trill a little, that bird in my chest, higher, higher. I don’t know if it was a one off. Don’t care if I was, but it would be nice to see more of him like this. Vulnerable. Less aloof. Cute. I mean, it’s not as though I expect anything to come of it, but it’s nice. You harbour a crush on someone with a heart of stone for a few years, a change of character is lovely but reason for suspicion. Whatever! It’s all good.
Uh, uh what else?
Mum’s eating more. It’s fantastic. Like, in no small way. She’s eating food, and she’s on chemo. We can start working through this now. Maybe it’ll all be over like a bad dream soon enough.
But sometimes I sit and think, oh my god she’s dying and if they hadn’t have found it in time, she could have died but that’s silly because we’re all dying. Every moment we live we’re closer to death. Aging is dying. Our cells are dying. Except for children. I don’t think their bodies are quite breaking just yet.
She still could die, though. It can take a turn for the worst. I get scared. I don’t want to treat her like it’s her last days, but all I have in my chest is this weighted fear and regret for all trespasses against her. She’s my mother. I am essentially made from her. Her nutrients, her oxygen, her blood, all kept me alive, and brought me from a parasitic bundle of cells into sentience.
I also wonder if it’s hereditary. She was adopted. We don’t know where her mother is, if she is alive, or if she died. What if I’m likely to develop it too? Will I live to get their cancer?
Depressing and morbid. FFS.
I still need to make my aida cloth dolls. I think I may make one for the show, but it’s not that impressive. Maybe I should just do a painting, or make a cake. Do they have a portrait category? I hope so. That’d be cool. Knowing me and this city, somehow I don’t stand a chance, but let me dream.
Eun Ju invited me to a show, which is pretty dandy. The Butterfly Effect and Dead Letter Circus, playing at The Ski Club. We don’t hang out enough. She also offered to model for a pin up. God I could take advantage of that, but she’s doing the heterosexual monogamy thing, so I’ll leave it to her. I’m wondering what medium, or if I should just take photos and use them as reference material. I can’t paint with her there. Maybe take a few photos and do a sketch up. I need to get a decent canvas.
Listening to Blue Oyster Cult. Oh, be still my heart. <3
I need to go wake up Eddy soon. I feel like baking the shit out of that mother fucking cake.
Fo’ rizzle…?
I’ll be quiet now.
<3
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